Forty-eight Pop-Tarts
Somerville, MA
Somehow I’m left with approximately two weeks until my intended departure date, even less if you count the “official” start date of the TEAL field trip as March 1, during which Jane and I will scout out typos in the greater Boston area (lest anyone accuse me or other members of the League of the dread sin of Northeastern elitism). I realize that I still have a lot of preparation to go. Burning questions such as “Where can two young men stay for the cheapest in Beaufort, North Carolina?” and “How can a body continually enjoy cold beverages on the highway without the benefit of a portable icemaker?” plague my mind and poison my sleep. All right, maybe it’s not that dire, but I’m still wondering how I’ll pull all this shit together in time. In the name of typo correction, though, I must persevere!
The trip will include a marvelous range of accommodations, including at least a few nights in a cavernous tent slung up in dark and lonely locales. So I was thankful that the “mummy”-style sleeping bag I cashed in my credit card points for– my polyester sarcophagus, if you will– arrived at my door this past Friday and not in 4-6 weeks (or forty-six weeks, as my grandfather used to say). I would be pleased if other vital pieces of equipment for the trip simply arrived at my house, summoned by some benevolent god of comfortable and economic traveling, but I suspect that I’ll have to do the legwork myself. I did recently purchase the first provisions for our journey. I spied a 48-count steamer trunk of Pop-Tarts on sale at Shaw’s and immediately called Benjamin.
Jeff: “Do you like Pop-Tarts?”
Benjamin: “Yeah, of course!”
Jeff: “Do you really like Pop-Tarts?”
I reckon that this abundance of toaster pastries–two dozen brown sugar cinnamon and two dozen frosted strawberry– should account for a major portion of our sustenance on the road. Peanut butter also sounds like a good idea. Bread. Things in cans. Getting back to the basics, just like our pioneer ancestors. My mother made a gift of five bars of soap, which will surely prove useful as my companions and I bathe in streams in secret glens to slough off the dust of the road. Or in the sink at McDonald’s.
For those rare occasions when Pop-Tarts prove inadequate, we can consult a book that I purchased, called Jane and Michael Stern’s Roadfood. The worthy, iron-gulleted couple cited in the title bring to the reader an overview of the best shacks, stands, and diners in our great nation. Also, I will be installing a “Donate Food” button above the comments section. A visitor to this site can click the button at any time to donate via PayPal, any major credit card, or against the credit of the Argentinian national bank. Upon completion of the transaction, a small door in the dashboard of my car will open, ejecting filets and hamsteaks onto the passenger seat. Please click often.
March 5th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Good night and good luck. I am so proud of you my little hobbit. Get out there and suck the tit of life…or was that the marrow out of life…who knows.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Please put Juneau Alaska on your itinerary (and map of the U.S.A.)! The following is a letter to the editor that started a whole series of responses…
Put the apostrophe in the right place
I was just down on South Franklin Street admiring the Peoples’ Wharf (their punctuation, not mine). The city of Juneau will obviously be providing Diamonds International, The Fur Factory and Venetian Jewelers with tremendous economic opportunities every tourist season. Therefore, I do not mind burdening these businesses with one simple request: Please move that apostrophe to the correct place (People’s).
If this new waterfront attraction does nothing else for the people it has honored, let it display to the world that we have mastered the basics of English grammar.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Uh oh, Paula, I didn’t mean to imply that Alaska was not part of America by my sadly contiguous-centric map. It will, however, be a bit beyond TEAL’s budget to venture up there.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
are you familiar with this one?
http://quotation-marks.blogspot.com/
March 7th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Are you planning on coming DC way? You can use my shower and kitchen facilities when you get here. This is such a noble project! I carry a Sharpie of Justice in my bag so I can correct signs if I get the opportunity. Got a ticket from my university’s police for it, too, but it was worth it.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Yes, keep on wielding that Sharpie! Thanks for your offer, but I’m covered in the DC area already. I’ll be reporting from Silver Spring tomorrow.
March 29th, 2008 at 3:03 am
Bra-fuckin’-O guys !!!! I’m from Boston and what you’re doing is my secret dream come true. I just emailed the article about you to everyone I know cause they know me and how I am now officially living vicariously though you.
The grammer problum in this country is apauling. Litrally apolling. And as we all know, it ain’t just spelling. The magical disappearance of the adverb is my biggest angst. (Gimme an “L”! Gimme a “Y”!) But who am I to think different?
Was I the only one who stayed somewhat awake during 8th grade English class?? The “tricks” and rules are just soooooooo simple.
April 8th, 2008 at 5:42 am
Did I see the word ‘contiguous’ on here?! Oh joy! I shall do my little dance now. Though I do have a problem with today’s grammar mistakes my biggest pet peeve may probably always remain the misuse of the phrase ‘continental United States.’
April 8th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
To Peter Quinn- Oh yes, the poor adverb. I have to admit my laziness in not writing to Apple about their “Think different” campaign. (I believe that’s the company.) It took me a while to figure out why their ad campaign sounded wrong. This is a computer company for heaven’s sake! Aren’t they supposed to have extremely intelligent people working for them? Apparently not in the grammar department.
My mom even tried to defend what they were trying to say after I pointed it out to her. It either needs to say “Think differently,” I said, “or they need to put apostrophes around the word different.”
And her defending them is pretty amazing considering she’s always correcting people’s grammar!
May 10th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
“As you walk along the street,
A porcupine you meet.
How do you shake his hand when he says hi?
CAREFULLY
CAREFULLY
Careful…LY.”
-Tom Lehrer
Don’t get me started on the hyphen please.
Oh, and that shift in the wind you sensed in Illinois? It was yours truly, waiting to be picked up, please.
August 3rd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
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